I hope that you are in therapy that is working on the deeper issues that are behind your ED issues. It's better placing your energy on that kind of work than beating yourself for something you didn't do. Obviously, beating yourself up won't do any good, however, working with a T on all the many years of issues that have gone into the situation you find yourself in today.....will be what does some good. It takes a lot of work & a lot of mindfulness....but it is possible.