I honestly don't know why I started. I have thought about it quite a lot, and sometimes I think about it so intensely that it turns into an existential crisis of sorts.

I threw away my best SI stuff two weeks ago, which was a significant step because just a month ago I never would have dreamed of letting anything go. And even though I'm on my way to getting "better" and everything, I think about SI more than I should. A lot more than I should. Yesterday I was in the stationary section of some classy store and they were selling box cutters and box cutter blades, and it took a lot for me to walk away and not "restock". And then I got really pissed off at myself for even thinking about SI. Even though I'm pretty sure I'm mostly over it, it's still on my mind way too much.

So yeah. I don't know why I ever started in the first place and it makes me constantly angry at myself. Maybe it was just morbid curiosity that turned into something more, or maybe I'm being emotionally abused by my mother and I don't even have the sense to recognize it, or maybe I just don't process things the way I'm supposed to because I am a pretty terrible person sometimes, or maybe I'll never figure it out (because apparently my most introspective moments just aren't enough), which would be the worst.

Anyone else not know why or is this just me?

- AJ