At first I didn't really understand it. I just knew I was doing emotionally pretty awful, and the physical pain helped dull what I was feeling. If feeling numb and somewhat dead and lifeless is a way to cope. But it didn't just make the bad feelings go away, it made almost all of feeling go away. Maybe that is why it is somewhat addicting to some people. They are in a place where they can't cope with what is going in, and everytime they start to feel something it is bad, so they want to turn off as much as they can. That was me when I was in my teens. I was severly depressed without much of a support system. Living with people that didn't really care. Coupled with the grief of losing a father, and some troubling information about my birth that at the time I couldn't deal with. Cutting for me seemed like a solution to how I was feeling. A way not feel feel awful every second.

After 8 years I didn't feel the need to do that. Recently I have self harmed and it was more a way to feel in control of how I am feeling. I guess self medicating in its own self destructive way. I haven't done it in a few weeks, partly because I know it doesn't really solve and issues and partly because the meds from my doc seem to limit the lows to just normal sadness and not to the point of despair and hopelessness.

That and therapy trying to sort out my real issues is leading me in the right direction. I feel a sense of hope that I can get my life into the direction I want it to be.