I have not talked about this much since the two year period of my life over 12years ago. It will probubly end up all jumbled up anyway, though what I can I feel to share.

At 19 I fell in love for the first time in my life. By 21 I was on the psych ward. Seemed that love had made me so blind rater now refer as stupid. During this time things went well for a month or so. I loved him. Part of me still does as sick as it sounds, as if I were able to ever love again.

It started with verbal put downs. I moved out of my family rent free home to a trailer court where my 'boyfriend' brough along a couple of dependants. I was young and had no Idea what I was in for or the times to come.

My credit cards all maxed out were no longer paid on. I blew the engine in my car taking it too far where he wanted to go. I gave up everything. Then moved to a small town where he was from. Of course I got a job, he sure as hell didn't work the entire time we were together.

The first I recall was when it was 2am and I said I was going to bed (neither of us were out) so I went to lay down and he was playing video games with his friend, and he said I need my clothes washed. I got up and then overheard him tell his friend 'it's nice to have a slave'. I told him he could do his own )#($%+ laundry then without warning in the kitchen I was thrust up against the wall and jabbed and punched being screamed at. of coarse I had my arms up to protect my head and face I learned that as a child.

It was for me to not go anywhere except work. Well I remember wanting out so bad. No way to call the police, as that would be admittance to my sexuality. The town anyway would have done nothing anyway, other than start homophobic rumors.

I look back and think of how much bigger framed I was than him and how easily I could have fought back, though in that 2 years of hell, I never hit back not once. In fact at the end I started doing things on purpose to make him jealous thus a beating. I was sick, I literally asked for it. To me it was a way I felt like meant he still cared.

I have never hit anyone in all my adult life or got in a fight. I don't think I could ever hit someone even in anger. I have givin my share of tongue lashing though never physically. I don't know I am just crazy.

I have had no relationship since and have no desire to no desire at all.

Thanks for listening to all that

Best Wishes-
~KRIS~

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!