I'm sorry these thoughts are hitting again. They can be pretty bad. You are right about the fact that doing it once will not be enough. Its an addiction, and like any addiction, all it takes is once and the cycle starts all over again.

Can you get into an intensive therapy program for a while? One that will have you seeing your therapist every day? As bad as it sounds, inpatient is another option. Even though you haven't given in to the thoughts, at least you hadn't at the time you wrote your post, you know how close you are to losing control. If you don't have anyone who can stay with you, you need to get someplace safe. Even though its not suicide that is imminent, self harm is, and even though inpatient may sound extreme, it beats going back to living with constant urges.

Even though I haven't given in for two years now, there are still some pretty strong urges. Prior to stopping, I had been cutting for decades on and off. There was no one at that time I could talk to about it. I do understand the power of those urges and I wish i had a sure fire way of stopping them for you. Controlling the urges is a very personal thing though. What works for one won't work for another. If you have a friend who already knows about it, talk to her. She may not take it as badly as you fear. Right now you need someone with you who understands what you are going through.

Don't give in. Stay strong.

Sam2