You are clearly not a sales agent. I am not, either, but I will try to apply the teachings of some very famous writers and songwriters to your situation.

1) The greatest children's book of all times in the history of American literature teaches us how to incentivize people not only to perform a task they might otherwise not be willing to perform, but to PAY for the PRIVILEGE of performing the task.

Tom Sawyer whitewashing the fence

Tom Sawyer supervised the whitewashing of the fence which was done by his gang and the gang members paid for the privilege while he made sure that the work was done correctly.

Clearly, you've read Tom Sawyer, so I won't go into detail.

2) You must have watched one of the greatest US musicals of all times,

Fiddler on the Roof (1971) - IMDb

but most likely you have never read the book on which the musical was based, and, most definitely, you could not have possibly read short stories by the author of the book, Sholem Aleichem - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, who was to Yiddish literature what Mark Twain was to American literature. In his stories, one sales agent who was both desperate and ingenious was able to sell:

- water left over after boiling the eggs, as a special broth with healing properties (this business was not sustainable, but you are not looking to build a sustainable business either - you need a successful one-time transaction)

In general, with ingenious copywriting, you can probably sell the air we breathe.

3) A very famous French songwriter who was not popular in the US,

Georges Brassens - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia,

wrote a charming song about the first sexual experience, and it is one of his most famous songs.
Here it is on YT, with him singing:



So in this song he talks about his memory. Or, as one English commentator said, "Brassens sings about the excitement of first love and its eternal charm"

That commentator also translated and here it the text with the French lines and English lines interchanging. I have made the most important lines bold.

J'ai tout oublié des campagnes
I’ve forgotten all about campa-aigns
D'Austerlitz et de Waterloo
Of Austerlitz and Waterloo
D'Italie, de Prusse et d'Espagne,
Italy, Prussia and in Spa-ain
De Pontoise et de Landerneau
Of Pontoise and of Landerneau.(1)

Jamais de la vie
Never in your lifetime
On ne l'oubliera,
You’ll ever forget her
La première fill'
The very first girl
Qu'on a pris' dans ses bras,
Whom you took in your arms

La première étrangère
The first girl, you had hardly known
À qui l'on a dit "tu" (2)
But asked out, heart in mouth.
Mon coeur, t'en souviens-tu ?)
My heart do you remember ?
Comme ell' nous était chère...
How dear she was to us
Qu'ell' soit fille honnête(3)
Whether she’s a virtuous girl
Ou fille de rien,(4)
Or girl not up to much
Qu'elle soit pucelle (5)
Whether you’re her first boy
Ou qu'elle soit putain, (putain=*****)
Or follow quite a lot
On se souvient d'elle,
You still remember her
On s'en souviendra,
You will remember this
D'la première fill'
About the first girl
Qu'on a pris' dans ses bras
Whom you took in your arms

Ils sont partis à tire-d'aile
They flew away at great spee-eed
Mes souvenirs de la Suzon,
My recollections of Susan
Et ma mémoire est infidèle
And my memory’s been unfaithful
À Julie, Rosette ou Lison
To Julie, Rosetta or Liza.

Jamais de la vie
Never in your lifetime
On ne l'oubliera,
You’ll ever forget her
La première fill'
The very first girl
Qu'on a pris' dans ses bras,
Whom you took in your arms

C'était un' bonne affaire
We struck a very good bargain
(Mon coeur, t'en souviens-tu ?)
My heart do you remember ?
J'ai changé ma vertu
I traded my virtue
Contre une primevère...
And got a primrose flower (6)
Qu' ce soit en grand' pompe
Whether it’s done with great pomp
Comme les gens "bien",
As the « proper » folk do
Ou bien dans la ru',
Or else down in the street
Comm' les pauvre' et les chiens,
As the poor people and the dogs
On se souvient d'elle,
You still remember her
On s'en souviendra,
You will remember this
D'la première fill'
About the first girl
Qu'on a pris' dans ses bras
Whom you took in your arms

Toi, qui m'as donné le baptême
You who gave me the baptism-me
D'amour et de septième ciel,
Of love and of the seventh heaven
Moi, je te garde et, moi, je t'aime,
Know I keep you, Know I love you
Dernier cadeau du Pèr' Noël !
Last gift sent from Santa Claus (7)

Jamais de la vie
Never in your lifetime
On ne l'oubliera,
You’ll ever forget her
La première fill'
The very first girl
Qu'on a pris' dans ses bras,
Whom you took in your arms

On a beau fair' le brave,
So much for the brave front
Quand ell' s'est mise nue
When she stripped herself bare
(Mon coeur, t'en souviens-tu ?)
My heart do you remember?
On n'en menait pas large(8)...
You fell right down to my boots.
Bien d'autres, sans doute,
Many others, there’s no doubt
Depuis, sont venues,
Have come along since then
Oui, mais, entre toutes
Yes, but, among them all,
Celles qu'on a connues,
The ones that you have known-
Elle est la dernière
She is the very last one
Que l'on oubliera,
Who will get forgotten
La première fill'
The very first girl
Qu'on a pris' dans ses bras,
Whom you took in your arms

So, what do we learn from George Brassens, who is as good a source as one can think of?

First, we learn that it is OK if the first girl is a *****, which lends support to Lycanthrope's suggestion to hire a hooker, except that you do not want potentially damaging consequences since it is illegal in Ohio and you value your employment. But, at least in theory - it is OK, per Brassens, who probably knew what he was talking about.

Second, we learn that the very last memory to leave the mind of a dying man is that of the first girl he took in his arms. On his deathbed, he would remember her and her alone - his memory is unfaithful to all who would come later, but faithful to her. That part is very important, because this is the unique value YOU and YOU alone will need to present on the market place - it is almost as good as it gets, almost a ticket to eternal life for the woman who will become the first girl you will take in your arms. Again, I am not suggesting that you charge for the privilege. I am only suggesting that you advertise the unique value for what it is in order to obtain multiple offers, and then choose from among them based on the woman you like best.

Here is a half-assed attempt at an analogy with your current hush-hush approach.

Imagine (weird, but please try) that you have inherited a quaint Victorian house from your great grandfather who did not have any money for upkeep. All the other Victorian houses have long been demolished, and new development has been put in place. The houses in the new development are great in that they offer superior insulation, energy efficiency, and surround sound. However, they all look the same and are boring. Very energy efficient but boring. And your quaint Victorian house is not energy efficient and has no surround sound, but is... unique and not at all boring.

So you need to sell the house "as is" as you have no money for remodeling.

Two approaches:

(A) pretend that your house is energy efficient, try to stage it in a way that would make it look like one of the new development houses, give some alcohol to visitors to impair their judgment, and keep your fingers crossed hoping that at least one potential buyer would not notice and you will be able to sell to her.

(B) not pretend anything but advertise the house for its quaint uniqueness, in a bold way, and expect to be able to select your buyer from a long list of people who want the unique value your quaint Victorian house presents.

***

OK, we do not know whether (A) or (B) would work better, but, luckily, we are not selling the house - we are advertising you on casual sex dating sides, which, I bet, are numerous around the web. So... we need to set up an experiment!

For the experiment, you will need two different casual sex sites, two pictures on which you look different, two different userids, and vastly different ad copy verbiage (the text of the profile is ad copy).

(A) on this casual sex dating site you will try to pretend that you are just like anybody else - a sexually experienced man, and hope that she won't notice

(B) on this casual dating site you will express an interest in looking at offers from various women who want to be forever seared into your memory, delivering the very last gift from Santa to you. I cannot possibly imagine that there would not be a lot of women who would find it fun to take your virginity because... it is NOT BORING!!! And they can still sleep with more experienced garden variety men out there, to their hearts content, but you could be their most unique and cherished trophy!

***

So to the extent that you are prepared to spend some money on it, the money can be spent on:

- therapy to increase self-esteem - work in progress
- hooker - not considered for a number of reasons, primarily due to threat to employment
- surrogate - out of your price range
- PR agency!! You can hire a PR agency to write the ad copy for casual sex dating site (B)! A PR agency will create a unique brand for you, which is what you need, and as a result, you won't be ashamed the way you currently are, you won't be near-suicidal - you will be a proud owner of a unique brand (hopefully, only for a short time).

***

Another quote from a famous American applies to your situation:

Dale Carnegie > Quotes > Quotable Quote

“If You Have A Lemon, Make A Lemonade"

***

OK, I sincerely hope that I did not offend you by speaking of your difficulties in market terms, but please realize that to some extent everything in a market economy is a market - your work skills and the time of your life you spend working are sold to the highest bidder... right? So, I did not want to take away from the poignancy of your situation, which you did describe very well, nor to make fun of your predicament for no reason - I just wanted to remind you that you live in the most advanced capitalist country in the whole world, so you might as well use the tools available to people who want to sell something on the market, and sell it well. And, while Tom Sawyer's approach to creating value out of nothing by selling a privilege was used in good humor, the song about the first girl whom you will take in your arms was used in all seriousness, as I wish you a good journey and hope that you will have good memories of your first time, and second time, and many many times thereafter.