I went through this too. I'm so sorry that you are in this place.

I told T this after the fact:

"Part of me wanted to live and part of me wanted to die. Part of me was planning for my own death while the other part fed me and went to work as if life would go on. Those parts were in disagreement over everything but one thing. The one thing they agree on is that I should not tell a therapist of my plans. The part that wants to die does not want to be thwarted and the part that wants to live does not want to be hospitalized and face a work disruption and humiliation in front of my family and further lose what I have to live for."

My T was amazing and took it in stride.

People who are suicidal are deeply ambivalent -- there's a part that wants life and a part that can't cope anymore. I think that people who seek suicide don't truly want to die, but what they want is a way to end the pain. Their pain exceeds their resources for coping with that pain. And that's not their fault. I cry just thinking about this struggle of mine.

This Web site helped me to understand that.

metanoia (dot) org (slash) suicide
(The forum won't let me post the link because I'm still too new to these boards)

You have good days ahead. Bless you.