Yeah, that's the problem, I've decided. I'm just too lazy to do anything. Too lazy to accept the idea of working to live. I'm so lazy it wouldn't matter to me if anything in my life changed, I still wouldn't be willing to live and deal with the rest of life. I don't believe it can get better, but I'm not even willing to put the work in to try.
I guess at one point I would've... like a year ago when I was willing to try anything, but I could find nothing else to try. Or a year before that, when I tried counseling but my mom made it too difficult... makes me wonder what I missed out on, how much different my life might be right now if she hadn't pulled me out of getting that help. Of course, while she's caused so much of the problems I'm left to deal with, when I think of how suicide would affect people, she's the one I feel the worst over. What's with that? I guess it just proves suicide wouldn't be an act of vengence for me.
Laziness... I hate the work of living. Really, what's the point? Christians would say to live for God, to give back to Him Who's given us so much, to live for Christ Who gave His life. I've failed horribly at that, left feeling guilty, useless, disappointed. Not that I'd complain to God on that... I ask Him why, beg to get an idea of what's up, but know it's me, not Him. The crap in my life hasn't always been my fault, but it's shaped me, and I've accepted it, and become it. That's how I explain my view that every person has hope... except me. That I've become something entirely defective, useless, lazy, selfish, disgusting... that that's what I am now, and there's no changing it.