You've experienced a pretty painful series of events. It sounds like you have a pretty good insight into how your own thoughts may have contributed to your current condition but I would caution you not to go too far overboard in blaming yourself. Accepting what youve done is one thing, beating yourself to a pulp over it is something else.

If your description is accurate, and I believe it mostly is, you havent tried to blame everyone else, and accept that you pushed those who tried to help you away, then it sounds to me like you've come to a place in your life where you are ready to face up to yourself and want to make improvements.

Ive done my share of pushing others away. It was, for me, a sort of defense mechanism. Like you said, if I didnt let them too close, they couldnt hurt me. I think what I realized eventually, and what you're realizing now, is that a certain amount of suffering was coming my way for my not processing my original feelings in a healthy way, and all I really accomplished was delaying and intensifying the inevitable with avoiding closeness and honesty with others. The one person you believed you could trust for real help was hardly in a place himself to help you.

As for the other 'friends' who used and took advantage of you, you need to recognize that they werent friends at all. Your mom sounds like she has some of her own issues as well.

Its hard when we feel like the lonely sailor on a sea of storms and killer whales. But you're not alone. You have us here who have experienced a lot of the feelings you are feeling. People who understand and know how hard it is. PC can be like the family you wished you had.

What are your options for getting into therapy? Are you able to pick up some good self help literature at the library? Is there a specific thing you think you need the most help with right away? There are 1000's of articles at PC, Im sure one of them will address your current feelings. If you're not certain how to use the search feature here, let one of us know what it is you need more info about and we'll be glad to see if we can find some articles for you.

Best of luck and welcome to PC!