In the span of an evening, I joined this site in a panic, posted about my worries over ending the relationship, cried, and did my yoga practice. Sometime along my yoga practice, my deep, black depression wandered in and out of my mind, making me desperate for relief, thinking how I wanted freedom from pain.
I don't know what happened. All I know is that suddenly, it occured to me that pushing and struggling and fighting against my painful emotions was tiring me and hurting me as much as the break up itself. Begging the Powers That Be to stamp out all the negativity made me feel helpless. And suddenly I felt some relief. I started crying but not from pain. I started crying because I wanted to treat this break up with love. This man, for all his flaws, ultimately has a naked, raw heart that needs care - I am just not the person to stay with him. So he walked in, and I hugged him. And I felt that I loved him and wanted his happiness to be fulfilled. And yes, it hurts that we aren't meant for each other. But he hugged me back and rested my head on his chest and it was a quiet, loving end.
Today I decided I am grateful for everything that I am learning from him. His presence in my life gave me an opportunity to realize that ultimately, the human condition is in need of love.
My instinct was to be depressed and angry, so instinctual that I was surprised when my mind suggested to feel gratitude and love for being able to part ways in peace. I am still lonely. I don't like it. But I am not fighting it. I am letting it happen while practicing feeling at peace.
Yoga brought me to this thinking as I was reaching deeply into a stretch. Something connected. It gave me a little hug. And I'm not panicking over losing him every moment. It's not easy, but it's something.