Everything youve described tells me what kind of people you attract for some reason. Some people attract bullies. Do you want to change your self to avoid them? Maybe they think they ought to take you down cause you're some kind of threat to them? Since they havent destroyed you yet they might fear you're stronger than they are. In my opinion, that you've resisted revenge, you are stronger than them. They perpetuate hurt, you havent. You broke the cycle and didnt return it. Now you're suffering with being a gentler person and wondering when you get to come up for air? The answer is now, as soon as you want to. You need to get the monkey of "them" off your back. Then you're free.