luckily the group therapist just let me sit and listen, and I was actually able to participate some in supporting another member. My wife called the couple's T this morning and expressed concerns on my behalf about pushing the mood subject and the self-harm. The couple's T is agreeable to take things easy and not delve into anything that makes me really uncomfortable. Part of me wants to talk about it, because I want to be able to tell my wife while we are both feeling a little more safe (there's someone to help handle the emotional fall-out), but I'm afraid of what the consequences would be if I were 100% honest with them. So far, I have been most honest with my own T, but even he doesn't get all the info.
I don't want to admit to my wife that I have been so close to self-harm again. I accidentally sliced my finger trying to gut a razor this morning, so I threw that one out (too little control and too much potential for accidental damage)... I really just want my knife, but I'm afraid I will hurt myself too badly and they will take it away from me. It's a security blanket of sorts knowing it is hiding in the house and accessible if I really need it...