I still haven't heard back from the people who owe me money. They responded to my last email that they couldn't do anything immediately to pay me back but would try to get something and would let me know. I'd say it is about 50/50 whether I'm going to hear anything from them at all, and if I do the amount they have to offer is likely to be insignificant to what I lent them and what I need to stay afloat.

So today I emailed my boss about taking money from my 401(k) account. This kills me for several reasons. First of all, because of all my previous financial problems that I worked so hard for years to straighten out, I only started contributing to a 401 about a year ago. Truly way way too late in life for it to amount to anything useful, but I considered it a step toward some responsibility so my future wouldn't be totally helpless.

So psychologically it is a big mess for me to now be having to take it out.

Also, because I started it so recently, there's hardly anything in there, so it's not like this money is going to save me... it's only going to help me stay afloat for a few more weeks. Considering the penalties I am going to have to pay for early withdrawal it is hardly worth it, it is going to leave me in considerably worse shape afterward. But "hardly" isn't "nothing" and without it I don't even think I can get through the next week without completely running out of money.

And finally this means more very stressful contact with my job. The boss already emailed me back, he is going to try to figure out the answers to the questions I asked him and get back to me. I was the one who used to figure this stuff out while I was there, so he is going to have to bring other people in to answer some simple questions about our plan. He also has no sense of privacy so everyone in the shop is going to know about this. I wouldn't mind them knowing other than that they have treated me so poorly over the past 7 months... I'd rather just keep it my business. The last time I asked him to keep something "confidential" he shared it with the one person that I most wanted not to know. That's the way he is... he thought "don't tell anyone" meant "don't tell anyone except for...". His office and email are open to everyone anyway.

Combined with how crappy I feel about my finances in general this is really a low point for me. If/when I recover enough to go back to work, I am starting out so deep in a hole... much deeper than the hole I successfully crawled out of years ago, and at that time I didn't have the problems I was facing now, with my physical health and depression. At that time I had a future that made it worth putting all that effort in for, to clean up my finances and take responsibility. Now, at best, my "future" is going to be one of just constantly struggling to keep up, and in my old age I have no idea... with no family or anything what happens to elderly with no income?

It just all seems really bleak.

I've always had hurdles to overcome... I've never thought life was supposed to be easy but the good parts should balance out the bad parts. I always felt I was struggling, while still enjoying myself, toward a goal of struggling less in the future to a point where I would be able to enjoy myself more and worry less. Now it is the opposite... I am going to be struggling to make ends meet for as long as I am active, when I become inactive I am going to be at the mercy of society, with no time in between to kick back and relax at all. I have fewer things to "entertain" me what with the anger I hold toward my friends which I don't know will ever heal, and certainly won't to the point where I let them fully into my life again, which was something I used to count on so strongly as part of my philosophy of life.

Not even to mention not having anyone special to love or be loved.

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--http://www.idexter.com