I've always hated that saying "oh ignore them, they're just attention seeking" I usually hear this when someone's **** has hit the fan and they're threatening to sabotage everything they've built up, or run away from it all, or kill themselves. It's called "a cry for help" if you don't make too much of a song and dance about it that is. But if you cross this invisible line, the line of other peoples tolerance (I guess) then its' no longer a cry for help, its' attention seeking and attention seekers will be ignored.

When I was in care this happened several times to me and others. The staff.. (the STAFF!) would tell everyone to stay away and ignore them. I never listened to them! In the end they (the staff) would call me in to help.. because all cards on the table, their methods don't work and mine did.

The first thing I always say is "I know you want to kill yourself, I believe every word you say. But I also know, you'd give anything to be at your own funeral just to say "Do you SEE it now?" I know because I feel that way too". That one little line gets the bathroom door unlocked every time.

I'm far from care now. I'm 37 and I'm currently the one threatening to kill myself. And I am being ignored. I've cried wolf too many times already. I used to have suicdial episodes every time I came on a period. I had such a emotional upbringing, it took a lot of years for the doc and myself to realize I should probably be on mood-meds around my period. They are anti-biotics, strange as that sounds they 'seem' to serve me well.

I'm writing I guess to make sense of the past few days. My previous suicide attempts were pretty pathetic. Trouble is with most of them, you have too much time to think.. please understand NOBODY WANT TO DIE.. THEY NO LONGER WANT TO LIVE. There's a huge difference. Much like everyone else contemplating calling it a day, I fear death.. I fear having a self-induced heart-attack and being aware of it.. I fear survival and perminant damage.

I am so used to suicidal days, I have them all through-out the year and for the most part I ignore them, whether life is great or not. I can have sleeping pills whenever I ask for them (but only 4 at a time) to get through it. It's been happening since my parents split up and my mum became even more violent and even more in denial about it. Who wouldn't be used to it by now?

The thing is though.
It's just TOO easy now.
Now i'm in this 'nice' period I'm worried about '******' me. She might just do this. She still has the ducting. But then, this is what I want right? I don't want to go on.

I don't get me, or life, I never will.
Because today I'm high on life, I'm positive, I feel like I can do things to get out of this rut, this solitude, this non-existence I created for myself.

For the record its' not manic-depression (bi-polar)
It's borderline personality disorder with 'manic tendancies' WHATEVER the **** that means. Because even after many years of working with the mental health team.. I still don't know.

HELP
hah!
Apparently we are the hardest of all to help. I agree, I really do think the service is **** and since I have the label to go with it, my calls of "THIS IS NOT WORKING FOR ME" are, just like my despairing suicidal moments...they are ignored.

Is this a cry for help, another case of the attention seekers?
Probably. I couldn't say for sure, I needed to get it off my chest. Maybe see if I'm not alone here, or maybe have someone call out my ****, make me cry and feel ashamed of myself, wake me up in some way.. maybe that's what I need. I have no clue what I need, or even want at this point. I'm just glad I didn't kill myself this week, because the ****ing house was in a RIGHT STATE until today! I didn't even shave my legs ffs.. that's no way to go out.

Btw, my name is Mel.