i have been obsessing about self compassion lately. i tend to feel it is a bunch of crap. it is all about being completely self absorbed. it's a way to justify not really giving a crap about anyone else.it's selfish and not a good thing.
i see a lot of T saying you need to have self compassion. be kind to yourself (or that abused child inside) .i don't think i am alone in having a bad reaction to this. feeling is all bull crap . etc.. having a horrible self hate reaction to being told i need to do this. it makes me feel like i am the most horrible selfish person in the whole world.
my T tells me i deserve compassion as do others. she asks the old question would you have compassion for someone else .to answer honestly i am not sure .i have been told i am selfish and don't etc..this realization makes me feel more like a monster.
i know who i am, what i believe with every part of me. my T tells me there is a different way .i deserve compassion. how can i ever believe this? i want to, i really do .i don't want to feel guilty or like i need to be punished if i happened to feel compassion or something good about myself
my T saying these things changes nothing inside me. i hear her but words don't seem to change at all. i know that the lessons i have been taught all my life run deep .they are at the core of who i am. words wont ever change that at all. it leaves me feeling so broken. i know that it needs to change in me but have no idea how . it is how i see the world and myself. i hear so much that you just need to change how you look at things . but i feel so much this is who i am i don't know how to change the core of who i am. this will never change in me. i wonder about the old saying you cant love others until you love yourself . i hate the world and me and it is sad that i don't think that can change most of the time