I know what it's like not to have anyone to love, too and that makes things even worse. People are looking for people with sound bodies and sounder minds. Most don't look any deeper than that and for that I am sorry.

I will be around 60 before I am mentally fit enough to start looking for a husband. By then, the playing field will have levelled out. My husband will likely be sicker than I am and I will be taking care OF HIM...not the other way around. I don't wish sickness on anyone, but I want to be able to take care of someone instead of them taking care of me. It would be most refreshing if I had the power to do that. I'm probably not prepared for the mental stresses of it, but at least I'm concerned about what my anger and depression will do to another, concerned enough to try and treat it against all odds. My father didn't care who his anger hit.

I care enough not to bring any children into the world until I am good and ready to give them the home that these miracles deserve. (That may mean never.)

I care enough about my rage to the point where I am suppressing most of it and keeping it inside. People still get hit by it, like my attendant friend for example. I'm not marrying a husband and making him so miserable that he'll leave me. I can't live with biting my tongue all the time.

I'm just sorry I can't keep my mouth shut on here about my problems and I'm sorry I can't keep my mouth shut around Doug. I worry about that too and I am a good person to be with, at least I was at one point.

I remember what my father's rage did to me and I remember my mother's sarcastic songs. I inherited the worst of both and any mate is going to be sorry they ever heard of my name, as will any child.The cycle ends here.

That's why no one will ever love me, I won't let them get that close.

When you're young and alone that sucks. When you're old and alone, it's unbearable, because who are you going to find at that age?

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.