rainbow, i think it's good that you got your anger out in such a safe fashion and i'm glad that you felt better afterward. you seem to be wondering what this is all about and i remember you clearly saying here once that if you never left therapy it would be like your mom never died. i think you may have also said termination being like a death but i'm not positive about that last one.

i think the death of your mom is the big thing that you haven't really addressed in your life but it is absolutely terrifying for you to admit. instead, you tell yourself that you don't know where all your angst is coming from and you are confused and that something may have happened in your early childhood that you don't remember. i can totally understand that it would be easier to tell yourself you don't know what is causing all your pain than to admit to what it is because once you admit what the problem is then you have to face it. i think your confusion and not knowing is all a way to keep you safe from grieving the loss of your mom. you've gone over your entire life very intricately and i think if there were something traumatic lurking in your past causing this pain you and your T would have definitely found it by now. there not being any memory attached to the extreme anger you felt doesn't mean you have repressed a memory but rather in your case that you are cut off from your feelings.

i think if you just allow yourself to deal with your grief fully over losing your mom you will be able to move forward in life and not have all these T fantasies. because your mom didn't really let you separate (individuate) as a child you have had an extremely difficult time accepting her death. i think maybe it is like a double loss because of that lack of individuation.