Rainbow
My heart goes out to you. You are in such pain and turmoil at the moment aren't you?
I feel you are punishing yourself for feeling something that is totally natural. I hope you can learn to accept this part of you. I know your t does and your family. Loving your t is not a crime, it's expected, they are one of the few people in our lives who will accept us for who we truly are, they will not judge us and do their best to support us. Naturally losing this relationship will cause you terrible pain that will bring out this feeling that we are losing something that we can't lose, something that is precious and sacred. I think this screaming is primal and it is a part of your ID, Freuds states. The ID is our child state, the one with the primal needs, the part of us that throws tantrums because we want something now.
Don't be ashamed of this I would like to connect with my ID