Hi everyone!

Two days ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and prescribed seroquel, working up to 300mg to begin with.

They wanted me to be treated last summer- I sort of flipped out, had episodes that turned into self abuse, and had to move home from college for a bit. I refused- due to my family thinking it was just me being 'emotional'- I am a theatre student, so of course I'm just being a drama queen, right?

Well, okay, I am a drama queen onstage- but offstage it's a little more serious than that.

Anywayssssss- I recently cannot handle all these episodes/mood swings/ I haven't slept since 1992 (I was born then, by the way)/ and my infatuations and obsessions on things have gotten annoying to the point where these rushing thoughts feel like I cannot control my own brain anymore. I made really impulsive decisions that sometimes aren't the best choices- and later feel bad about them. It's like a light switch.

Yada, yada, yada, ya'll get what I'm talking about.

I went to a counseling appointment this past week. I also box on a national team, and recently had a self abuse episode where I would punch my own self- (Because my competition wasn't that great? Kidding) so right away she threw me next door to the psychiatrist.

Bipolar disorder was thrown out at me again with a prescription.

This is all moving really fast for me. I was suppose to start the pills last night, but instead got drunk and went out because I rather not deal with it. I plan on beginning tonight- with the lack of support from family (which, we are Italian, it's suppose to be our thing I thought)- and I'm a little scared.

I'm worried because I don't know the real me. I've been living with this, and what if this takes away things from me? Creativity, passion, drive- I need all those things for my field, you know? I've never been able to sleep, I've always been on/off- that's the on going joke with me. It's obviously hindering my life in a big way, but that's all I know. I'm the funny, crazy, outgoing, and loud one in my group- and that's what's ME. I don't want that to go away.

I guess- what if I don't like the 'real' me? How do I know this just isn't me growing up and freaking out? I'm 21, I'm exploring things, doing things, I go to college- so whose to say what's this disease and what is just me being impulsive?

So I guess I'll step off from the soap box now. A lot of things are already happening this summer and this just was the bomb that I didn't need I guess.

A little support? Advice? Help?

<-- also, I really dig this icon and really wanted to use it. So there.