Hi Rainbow8....
I'm known in this community as "allmostthere".
I've read your post and am deeply touched by what u said.
Years ago I gave up on therapy and refused to see any more therapist.
But since then life has presented to me some extremely difficult challenges that have tested my tolerance for survival to the max. Needless to say I'm back at therapy trying to give it another try. In the past I didn't give it much of a chance to work. Yes, I was resisting the whole process because I had to dig deep into my past which i tried so hard to hide in order for me to maintain a "normal" life and give everyone around me, including my family, the impression that everything was ok with me. What a lie that was.
Anyway, I have a good therapist now and i think we have established a good connection. My only fear, which i suppose is what u r feeling now, is losing her and having to start all over again. At the stage of my life right now I don't think I can continue if I can't keep my present T.
I'm probably much older than u and have gone through a lot in my life.
But although i may stumble and fall in my journey in life I somehow find the strength to carry on because i know that someday I will reach that raimbow in the sky.
Keep your faith in yourself and don't let anyone, or any situation, take that away from u... OK?
Wishing all the best,
"almostthere"
Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbow8
I'm very curious about my screaming in the car after my session. I've done that once or twice before. I know I was frustrated and angry in the session, but I held back. I played with a koosh ball "necklace" toy my T has (not sure how to describe it) that I had never picked up before. I don't think it totally registered that she was suggesting termination of therapy by December.
The screams were obviously a deep reaction to the idea of separation from my T, and I know it's transference. It HAS to be from the past, probably a preverbal time. It kind of brings my attention to the severe rage I feel about separation, something I've never been able to make clear when I talk about it, or experience it, in any of my therapy all of these years. It seemed like the screams weren't coming from me; they weren't ME, or at least not who I think I am. They were utterly spontaneous and filled with anguish, and I couldn't stop until I was "done". It seems so weird now that I think about it!
I looked up "primal scream therapy" which was popular in the 60's. Dr. Janus wrote the book, The Primal Scream. He has a new book about it. I'm not interested in pursuing that kind of therapy, but it was interesting to read about.
I want to talk to my T about it, of course, and I'm hoping she will say that SE (Somatic Experiencing)can address it. It seems like this is it! I was/am enraged at the thought of separating from her and it's irrational. It makes me think there IS something in my past that happened, or WHY would I scream like that? It's NOT about my T at all. People have left me but I never screamed like that. I didn't cry much, and I never screamed like that when my Mom died.
Not everyone feels the loss of the "golden fantasy", the infant bliss, that Moon posted about, and that Judith Viorst discusses in Necessary Losses, do they? Is it inside of all of us, or does my screaming mean that something tangible happened to me? I don't expect anyone to have the answers, but I am looking at this as an outsider, and saying "WOW", I can't believe there are such powerful feelings inside of me about separation!! It shows me that my "pattern" has served a purpose. I have this terror of separation. 
Any thoughts? Maybe the screaming was like a flashback but to a preverbal time because there were absolutely NO memories associated with it.
I really feel that this is some kind of huge breakthrough for me! |