I have a dreadful headache at the moment which could be due to too much studying as well as not having access to cigarettes or nicotine gums. I'm also irritable and full of a restless energy. Until a few minutes ago I was moving around my room in circles, walking on the tip of my toes and waving my arms around. Obviously, I was under the impression that I am a ballerina. I do this a lot!

I have some other thoughts on my mind too. Last night before falling asleep I was thinking of the one year that I was med-free. For the greatest part of that year I was in a mild and very pleasant hypomanic episode. Or maybe I was just normal happy. I can't be sure. Either way it was pleasant. Most of the time I acted like a sweet and carefree little girl. It felt sooo good and I miss it At the time I felt like this was the real me and I was being myself without any bothersome restraints. But now, even though I do occasionally feel cheerful and carefree it's always in a cautious and controlled way. I'm always trying to be (or at least act) normal. The knowledge that I'm taking meds and that I depend on them to keep me sane is like a shadow that haunts me all the time.

I don't know how I can come to terms with it. I've never really tried therapy. I remember talking to a psychologist in a local clinic at some point several years ago, but I didn't like her and never went to see her again. Now by chance my karate teacher has recently decided that it's a good idea for us to meet a psychologist once a week to talk about and learn to cope with the stress of competition. I've been thinking I might talk about other stuff with this person. I think she'll be suitable because she sees a lot of athletes and coaches. Sports are such a big part of my life that I would never expect a non-sporty (is that even a word?!) person to be able to fully understand me.

Well, I suppose I just wanted to vent Thanks for reading.