Hi ~ I think your "user name" says it all. You sound like you're VERY depressed. Have you gone to the Depression forum? If not, I suggest that you do, and post there.
Talk to the people in the Depression forum. The people there are very supportive, friendly, knowledgeable, and ready and willing to help.
You won't regret posting there, and I'm sure you'll even make a couple of friends there. It's a great place and people DO understand what you're going thru because they've been there themselves.
So give it a try, okay? I hope we hear more from you. I know how you're feeling too, cause I also have been there. It's no fun.
God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee