hell!!...why did I do this to myself tonight?

seek the gift of knowledge via a curiosity in a brain so undisciplined?

I know right away I'm a furious creature...far removed from the measured abilities of even the scariest animals to us humans...and I know I'm not alone too!...earths animals have their duties to perform and although occasionally whales look like they are killing themselves on the beach?... they are purely responsive...

you see...bipolar to me this illness of 2 distinct sides has this most unique feature of "injure and heal"... "heal and injure"

can't make up it's damn mind what it's doing with me??...hell I know damn well I take in too much barely any senses I only need one or two and I got freaking SIX!

so love arrives and pain follows and laughter enjoys it's moment perhaps beside psychosis and misery joins in before paranoia betrays my overconfidence destroyed by insecurity met with panic and fear followed by outburst of the unexplained and seemingly absurd and isn't it interesting how it all began with love as only love delivers the true pain to the living and yet the two sided brain comprehends such wonderful with such sinister inability to sustain and what's left is fury.

...and broken not just bits falling off but complete demolition of personality during the absence of one or the other of either adoring or what the hell...
hating that crap!

hating that I'm not feeling love and loving that I'm hating because it's damn well better than not feeling anything...

TOO many variables I'm losing my mind again it found me on my own again hiding in the dark better left alone nobody was here anyway I don't see the point there is nuthin' holy in this unholy land inside me!

I know part of me wants sympathy because I'm freaking angry all the time!...and the sooner I stop thinking I'm clever the sooner I might cool it down just a little...because being 'clever'...just makes me impossible to handle!!

BUT...(and the sicko's favourite word ever!)..BUT...why do I "feeeel" so damn intimidated by such a simple question anyway?

ask any normal person..."hey what's the feeling you get the most?"

...I expect "sad"...maybe something else..."happy"..."confused"

...tired?...hey what the hell do I know?
there just is no place in the middle for me to rest in!...does anybody else find this diabolical feature of this experience?..and they call it bipolar cos it's scientifically effective and what the F?..
it's so much unscientific from inside it's so freaking personal and miraculous to even contemplate!
how convenient to be classified and as always the unbelievable is made almost believable to the inexperienced and made even less believable to those experienced!
...the 'clinical' has no clue!... it's a safe environment!...that's all it is...
I suffer because of it and yet according to society I belong there and I perceive meanwhile that civilisation is itself the fundamental clinic for the ignorant and those gifted with abilities beyond my capabilities...BUT
I need them more than they need me!...what a damn shame!

I know I have changed peoples experience ...in unique ways over time but time forgets even itself within the pre-occupied mind and this is what I lack.!!
that sincere ability to be pre-occupied. makes me FKING mad I got nuthin' to do but keep myself under control!

...so yeah!...I keep finding myself angry about something...FCKIN' furious!

being so versatile and yet so injured by it and able to heal but in the process sustaining more injuries and on it goes...

so I don't want to admit it...I'm suddenly solemn and subdued and despicable full of self acceptance missing what I will never have what I nearly got and everything just hurts like hell these nerve endings I have were installed in my head way too damn well.

everything just makes me violently angry...because I just don't understand...I struggle to keep up with it all!...and though love and PASSIVE shine through brilliantly at times most memorable

fury is my realest emotion