I recently realised something that has vastly improved my relationship with my T, but has also left me feeling completely robbed. I started therapy six months ago, and my T is a gentle, kind, patient and caring man, but transference gets in the way of me experiencing him like that.

For the first few months, I thought he was cold, distant, uncaring and mean. When I let myself see how caring he was, I felt confused and suspicious. Gradually, I started to see more of him, the caring therapist, especially after we began sitting on the floor, but I still experienced him as cold, critical, mean or mocking at times. A few weeks ago, he seemed to be shouting at me really loudly and I thought it was objectively real because my ears hurt.

I also kept experiencing him speaking to me in this really horrible, mocking voice. I got really angry about it. My T said maybe I just needed to get really angry with someone. I thought: I'm angry with YOU, why are you denying this, you're obviously being mean to me. And then it dawned on me: I was experiencing a tone of voice that wasn't coming from him, but from transference.

Once I checked that out with him, I checked out a whole load of other things too. Times I heard him speaking to me like dirt on the bottom of his shoe - he says it's unthinkable that he would actually speak to a client like that. The time he shouted at me - he wasn't shouting! He said it's completely plausible to have the experience of my ears hurting even if he's not really shouting.

Well thanks, Captain Transference, thanks a whole freaking bunch.

Basically I've spent six months sitting in a room with a really kind person who cares about me, not being able to experience his caring for me, not having anywhere to put his kindness, being suspicious and confused by it. The fact I couldn't simply go in there and feel cared-for is part of the reason I'm in therapy, but I feel like I've been robbed.

My T says I've been robbed my whole life. It just hurts, a lot, to think that the stuff I'm dealing with has not only messed me up, but has even stopped me getting the full benefit of my T - though he doesn't see it like that, as this transference stuff kind of needs to happen.

A part of me has always known that he cares about me, but I've also had so many experiences that have caused me to doubt that, so many ruptures where I've lost the image of the good-enough therapist and he's had to repair my trust, again and again. My T says that I know, unconsciously, that I can trust him, and that's why I'm able to go in there and go through the experience of not trusting him.

But I wish I could've just felt cared-for this whole time. I feel like I've missed out on so much. I'm sorry this is so long. I'm not sure it even belongs in this section.