I'm sobbing and holding off a panic attack and I'm alone and I don't have anyone here to calm me if I have one and I have no medication.

I'm having a bit of an STI scare. A couple months back, I was very drunk and high (I don't usually smoke) and I was taken advantage by a guy I didn't know. I consented, but I was very drunk. I made him wear a condom both times, but due to the shadiness of the encounter I'm not sure if it was 100% safe. Now, I had a UTI a 2 weeks ago that cleared up with antibiotics. Now I'm having breakthrough bleeding on BC. Its a new pill that similar to my old one and I missed a pill two days ago, but I'm still skeptical. I'm going to get tested on Monday to be sure. I've never done something like this in my life.

I can't handle STI scares. I always assume I have something even though I practice safe sex. Last year, I was so scared that I had HIV (despite a neg result) that I spent 6 hours a day looking up stats on transmissions while crying and panicking. Eventually, it got so bad that I had to take 6 xanax a day to get through until I got my result.

Since the encounter, I've been seeing a wonderful man. He's gone for the summer, but I am hoping that we will be together in the fall. I'm so afraid that I have something and may have passed it on and he won't want me anymore.

I know that bad choices have bad consequences. I teach Sex Ed. I just can't handle this hook up. I was so out of it. He pulled me out of a crowd and dragged me along with another friend while I was sleeping all the way to my house. I feel so objectified and disrespected. It brought up a ton of triggers about my past rapes. The guy who helped drag me home went around the follow day telling everyone about how he helped me get raped and how its all my fault because I'm a drunk and am going to get raped again. No one cared about how I would feel in the morning or about how hurt I would be. All I was was fun for the night. The guy keeps trying to contact me too. I feel so scared whenever he's around and have to leave, even on my bfs last night in town. I'm so angry that one person not respecting my vulnerability has caused me so much emotional pain.

I'm so angry and scared. I'm a pretty girl and whenever I go out I have to be on guard for my safety. I was feeling very low about myself at the time. I have these mood changes that are so sever and cause me so much trouble and pain. I get angry and reckless and grandiose, and then I'm crying and panicking. I know that its going to be a constant in my life that I'm going to occasionally be reckless and then hate myself for it and be in pain forever.

I don't know what I want here besides advice (non judgmental) and maybe hear if people have to deal with this stuff too. I really hate being me sometimes.