I told t. I don't remember how much I told but I think I said I'd made up my mind to do it? I remember saying it would be easier for those around me and she disagreed. I really don't remember much else which is very frustrating. I didn't get hospitalised, she asked if I felt safe (yes) and if I had any immediate plans (no) and she let me go. It felt like a lot of the session she was giving pep talks on how things will get better again etc which don't really affect me at all because I just don't believe her so I kind of zone out. And she kept on telling me to go to A&E or my GP if I do feel unsafe which irritates me, because although I know she has to say that, I know and she knows I won't do that yet she still says it.

I think I've come to the conclusion that suicide is something I have to do, I need to do and I want to do. But there is part of me that must still have hope and want to live, because I'm at the stage now where I do want to talk about it to my t even if it means hospital or other consequences. It's confusing and I don't understand but I think that explains why I do want to talk about it, even if it will thwart my plans. Session again on Monday and I am psyching myself up to be as open as I can.