Does anyone mind if I have a little pity party?

I think I would trade so much for the abillity to communicate more 'normally' whatever that is, where people recognized that I was more like them than not.

I try, oh so very hard, to mimic the human connection that, I think, I've been missing so long. I know that probably everyone will read this, and think "what are you talking about?". You get plenty of replies "and and and".

The times I want to have said something smart yet human, it seems like no one noticed, or I got it wrong... Or a million other possibilities, and I sit with my OCD refreshing, hoping that someone... anyone could see this struggle and pain. Every failure is magnified a million times. I know it's a little selfish. Im sorry. I can't help it.

Thats why therapy is so scary a concept; what if I this happens the same way in therapy? What if I'm rejected there the same way. What if I'm abandoned? Will I be an annoying space in a calendar with a day and a date, and a frowning doodle drawn beside? What if I don't get to see someone often enough to feel like The neuroses don't build up?

I'm not a dramatic person, although I recognize that this post was grade A self pity. I know there are a lot of people here. I don't want to be a 'special' person, just that I can find a way to be valued, recognized and simply put, 'human', rather than this exhausting effort to be one. M.