I have been questioning a lot lately.

I have been remembering a lot from my past, one of which being a relationship in middle school. It was with another girl. I have been writing about it some, it’s never been outside of my head (other than when it happened) until I started writing about it.

It’s brought back a lot of thoughts and feelings that I didn’t remember were there. Dare I even say…desires?

I realize that this experience – we were in a relationship for close to nine months, until her family moved away – was very significant for me. It was very much a physical relationship. I didn’t even know it had a name back then – oral sex. I only knew the experience of it from my previous abuse. But I liked it…a lot. (both with her and when I was abused) But she was also my best friend. Someone who loved and accepted me. I was an outcast…shunned by others (in 5th grade I lost all my friends and the teasing began then).

I just feel so confused about it all…could I be gay? Or bisexual?
Or is this just coming up because I have been so hurt by men? Abused as a child? Raped by my husband? Never had a man in my life that didn’t want to have sex with me…never even just had guy friends.

I just don’t know.

And I am a Christian. I am not supposed to feel like this. This is not ok. It’s wrong. It’s a sin. They are opposing…mutually exclusive.

Thing is…I’ve felt attraction to a couple of ladies in my life. I have just pushed away the thoughts and feelings away. Pretended they don’t exist. But when this memory of my relationship in middle school – and how I felt so accepted and loved. – the feelings and desires have intensified - especially for one of the ladies. And realizing that I loved this girl in middle school. And I miss the closeness that I had. The safety. I’ve never felt safe with a man…I was abused and used by them.

I don’t know…I just don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this.

See…I see a therapist…but she’s a Christian…at a Christian counseling center. I am a Christian…I can’t bring any of this up. Not only that…but my therapist is the one for whom I have the strong attraction.

I guess I am just not sure about any of this stuff. I am filled with confusion…feeling desires I have been taught are wrong. Not wanting to give up my faith…and trying to figure out who I am. Yet already feeling ostracized from the church for my struggles. It’s like this would be just ONE more thing to make me not “good enough” or unlovable.

I don’t know…I suppose thoughts…feedback would be greatly appreciated.