In the long term, it would be nice if you could seek good therapy and try out different meds. I can't say I have things as bad as you, but I understand that the thoughts are not going to just go away, and that people can only help you so much because they don't really understand what you are thinking. My only thought is to try and find something to take your mind off of it. Instead of watching tv, maybe read a book or magazine on something that interests you, or find some solitary activity that you enjoy to a certain degree. I like working on engines because I know they'll never judge or betray me, but that's just an example. Good luck with everything.