People feel what they feel. Until you stop thinking that there is a way you are "supposed" to feel, there would not be much progress in your life. You need to allow yourself to feel what you feel and to get curious about the way you feel in a non-judgmental way.

There is no point in paying money to and wasting time on a therapist with whom you "cannot bring something up".

Desires are not right or wrong - they are desires you feel.

You are indeed very confused but most of the confusion stems from the fact that you judge feelings and desires that should not be judged, and that is something fixable in your mind and your thought process, and to the extent that you have some control over your mind and your thought process, you should be able to reduce the degree of confusion.

You also describe a lot of confusion in gender relations and it is hard to see what is organic to you and what has been caused by abuse. Say, in and of itself the fact that all guys in your life wanted to have sex with you is not a cause for concern, yet you report it as something concerning.

When you have had so much abuse that might color your perception and even direct your attractions, it is really important to have a good T to help you. Since you cannot tell your current T the truth, she cannot help you and you should stop seeing her, unless, of course, the attraction to the T is so strong that you prefer seeing her just because you are attracted to her.