maybe i wanted him to abuse me
so i could prove to myself
that the thoughts and wishes
that i imagined he had
were against my will
and therefore not my fault.
maybe i wanted him to protect me,
to say that he refused to hurt me,
even if i acted like i wanted it.
maybe i wanted him to refrain
from any further closeness than we had;
and for him to tell me specifically
that he did this to protect me
from myself and from him,
because he cared about me in appropriate ways.
maybe i needed both elements- safe and unsafe
as a testingn ground for trusting myself, and men.
whatever the need, i feel unfulfilled
all these years later still.
and i wish he would've said goodbye in the end.

"Blessed be the cracked, for they let in the light"
-Author Unknown