Long as hell, trigger for ED, SI and most everything else. Please close it If it starts triggering you that's the lat thing I would want







This sucks. I'm having mild tackle hallucinations but I'm sensitive as He|| . I melted into tears because my husband wanted me to listen to my game on head phones. I should be sleeping because I have to pack. I don't have time to loose my ****, I have to pack, find new drs. enroll my son in school, find an apartment, get my license, and move 12 hrs away. In between my son's cat scan and surgery. I only have 2 months and if I don't do it he won't because his ocd makes it to overwhelming. I thought I was depressed but maybe not, I hate going up to my family's I always come back all messed up and now were moving there for the stupid children's hospital.

WTF. I have been avoiding pdoc since Feb so I'd be remotely healthy when I see him and I thought I almost did it but of course I can't be that lucky. I can't change my appointment because he wont have an appointment by the time I move. I don't want new meds or upping my meds and I certainly don't want my pdoc to put me on an antipsychotic. Last thing I need right now is to be hospitalized or my dx change. god damn it am I getting parinoid too? Miguel has friends over this sucks. My husband is worried about me and asking me what's wrong I told him it feels like bugs are crawling under my skin and I took aterax because it was way to stressful and I can't handle it but I'm not sleeping yet.

It's 2 am and I have to feed three kids plus my husband breakfast. Fill out more moving applications, figure out how to get our stuff up there, mail stuff out and I have to do all that while being a smiley happy host to my sons friend that they have yet to know they have a short time left.

I have to plan 2 going away parties and at some point have his birthday which is over a week late. I have to put the fires out that I started when I was up there, and I forgot to call my dad for fathers day. I wished him happy fathers day online but that doesn't really count and he's one of my favoret people. Why am I such a mess. I'm eating us out of house and home and that's NOT me. really he's lucky tif I eat half a kids meal a day. Part of the reason I'm typing because I'm hoping to keep my hands busy so I don't tare my skin off and look crazy in front of new children. I need this god damn aterax to kick it. I swear I'm going to get huge by how much I am eating! I have no matabilizom to save me.

How do you stop tactical hallucinations? If I try to "cut out" the bugs or tear my skin off then I'll end up in Per because my T would want me there. Nails are nasty, nasrty things and if I scratch my skin off I risk getting my skin infectewd and worse issues. I hate life. How do I stop my self from eating everything in sight? It's seriously descuggting, I don't have the money for it. I forgot to fill my insurence and EBT stuff out so I have to do that tomorrow too. and this damn medication has not kicked in yet! How do I keep my craziness away from my son's new friend, fist time he spent the night. This is not the time for this.

And it's not like I'm still not sensitive so please be nice. I'm souppose to finish my college stuff to because this is the last semester I can go here. a couple of days ago I was excited but now I feel there's no point, I'm going to fail, I have no idea why anyone would be with me let alone a guy like my husband, why the hell would he put up with this. I know , I know he has BP also but really I'm almost always the one that is sick, I can't even hold it together a little. I swear they'd be better off with out me but I'm the only one with income. It will mess my son up more then I already has. Maybe my sisters right I ****ed him up so bad that there's no way he has any productive future. Maybe I am selfish and never put him first. I want to throw a tantrum and say where not moving but that as selfish as commiting suiside vand I'd **** up any way! I can never do anything right. Seriously why did I think that I could be healthy enough to have a family. I can't even work! I wish I never went to see my grandma but I couldn't say no because she wasn't suppose to make it by the time I got there. What made me think I could still be the rock of the family still when all I did there Is cry and be horribly homesick. I use to be the rock of the family and with out that I'm useless to them that's always been my job because tragity doesn't effect me until much later. I put on a sweater so I don't get to my skin. this sucks.

I was suppose to find out what I need to get my dog certified by septemer because If I move in to an apartment w/o her I won't be able to be by myself because I always think someone is braking into my apartment or the neighbors fight and it scares me. I don't want this to be like at the begining of this year. I don't need to cut shapes into myself.

thank-you for reading. How do I do all this crap while getting whatever is going on with me under control? How do I go back to normal to get all this crap done? I don't want to lose my family so I have to control this. Why is he with me? I really don't know why I wrote. I need to suck it up, be an adult, and get over my selfishness this is for his health. Did I mention I hate my life right now! god I' suck. The neighbors are going to call the cops because the music is blaring at 3 am. Crap I've been writing for an hour! I don't really care if they call the cops. I don't really care about anything. Don't worry I'm safe but so confused. lets see how long this crap is going to be I bet I move with nothing. I'll just abandon all my belongings like I always do. I need to find an apartment so we're not homeless again when we move. at least this time we weren't evicted. I never thought I wouldn't be able to support my family. I should have stuick to the Idea I'm to meesed up for a relationship. It was soupose to be his day and he's worried about me. He's being so nice he doesn't deserve this.

This sucks.