1stepatatime,
There at so many different thoughts and conflictions here, you must be worn
out from all of this thinking and ruminating.
First, I think you are struggling with justifying being in therapy. You deserve this for yourself. So now you find yourself struggling to open the sessions. I think that your t is trying to get you to lead and tell her what is most important for you right now to work on, do you think this is what she is doing?
You don't have anything to say, I hear you say but you are keeping so busy to avoid all of these inner conflictions...I hear, busy, busy, busy...maybe you are trying to stop these things from coming out, trying to push the things you went to therapy for in the first place back down inside again, hide them. This will not work and we all know it wont
Try to think of your inside as a pond (i know, its strange but trust me?)
We through all of the hard stuff(emotions, feelings) to the bottom of our pond, like rocks and they sink to our unconcious. Now, somebody else comes along and throws a rock into our pond and it disturbs the bed of emotions at the bottom and all the feelings rise again but this time the water is murky and unsettled, we are in distress and don't know what to do with our feelings.
Therapy will help us to bring those feelings to the surface and work through them so they can't rise and unsettle us.
Do you know what it is exactly that you are trying to run away from by keeping so busy?
I think if you bring this up at your next session that are struggling to express what is going on for you right now and that you might need some help because you don't feel ready to take the lead just yet.
I worry that you are not being honest with t about how lonely and disheartened you feel and that you can't tell anyone IRL about these feelings only your t. I think this is a good enough reason to be in therapy alone