Vacation was alright, I guess. I tried my best to enjoy myself, and there were times when I actually kind of did. I think my parents noticed that I seemed disinterested in almost everything, they kept asking me if I was enjoying myself. They still don't know I'm depressed, though I'm sure they're beginning to suspect SOMETHING. Part of me is kind of glad to be home. It gets exhausting having to be around my parents all the time, having to pretend that I'm perfectly okay. I don't know why I want to hide my depression from them so much. I guess because I know they'll want to talk about it and I just don't want to talk about it with them.

I've been thinking so much about transferring schools it's driving me insane. I keep thinking about how I had planned to wait until graduate school to get away from home, but I honestly don't know if I can wait that long. Not to mention that if I can't get into grad school right away I'll be stuck here for god knows how long. I feel awful for wanting to get away from my parents. Other people have parents who are abusive or negligent and all mine have ever done is love me and care for me. At one point on vacation my mom asked me, "You don't hate us, do you?" It really hurts to hear her say that. She doesn't even know about my desire to get away from home. How can I tell her now? She thinks I hate her. Hearing me say I want to get away from home would crush her. I feel like a spoiled teenage brat for wanting nothing more than to get away from them. But I can't help it. It's strange, as a pre-teen/teenager I never went through that phase where I hated my parents or wanted to run away from home or what have you. Now here I am 20 years old and I feel like a dumb, spoiled child for feeling the way I do about my parents. I still love them, I really do. I just want to be independent and I want to be further away from them.

But then I wonder if it even matters either way. I worry that if I stay at home at the same school it will just continue to be the same old pointless, depressive bull-crap day after day, month after month, year after year...But would I actually be able to have success making a new start in a new city/school? I can fantasize about it all I want. In my head I can so clearly see myself being completely happy in a new place. But at the same time I can just as easily see everything going wrong and me being even worse than I was before.