Ever since I graduated high school (I'm 19 now), nothing has gone right for me. I need to say everything that has happened to me in this past year because I have no one to talk to it about, and I just want it off my chest. I don't want any pity, because most of it is due to poor decisions on my part. I just need to talk about it so I can get over it and move on with my life.

The first thing that happened to me is that the only boy I ever loved in my life dumped me and immediately started chasing after other girls. Obviously, that left me heart broken. Instead of coming to terms with my emotions I jumped into the arms of a rebound guy. He wasn't interested in dating me, he only wanted me for my body and was very controlling over what I did. By this time I had just started college, and hadn't made any friends. Eventually we got sick of each other and broke it off.

That's when things started getting worse. One weekend I went to visit a friend for his birthday. What I didn't realize is that he had other things in mind for me. He gave me things that didn't allow me to think straight. (Stupid decision on my part) That was when I was first sexually assaulted. Afterwards I went home and I was extremely ashamed of myself. I didn't talk to anyone about it, and I broke off all communication with that 'friend'.

A couple of weeks later I started dating a different boy, even though I didn't really want to date anyone. He basically gave me the ultimatum of either dating him or never talking to him again, and since I still didn't have any friends I decided to date him. He was very sweet and loving.. at first. Early in the relationship he started pressuring me to have sex. I didn't want to. I told him over and over again but he'd try to have sex with me almost every day. I always had to tell him no and push him away. One day he wouldn't stop, and he raped me. Again, I felt horrified. One of my values was that I only had sex when I was in love with someone. I wasn't in love with this boy. Somehow I convinced myself that it was my fault and told myself that if I was with him long enough to love him then it would be okay. So I stayed with him. (Another bad decision I made).

He was still sweet to me for a while after that. Eventually though, things began to deteriorate. He would yell and swear at me, and began to control things in my life. He wouldn't let me hang out with my friends, didn't want me to get a job, and wanted me at his apartment at all times. During all of this I had a falling out with my friends/roommates and had no one to talk to. He was paranoid that I would cheat on him, even though I never even thought about it. My grades started to suffer. He broke my phone, smashed my mirror, kicked a hole in my wall and still I stayed.

Eventually I broke it off for good, after I realized that I could never love him...but he wouldn't have that. He blackmailed me into staying and eventually I called the police and filed a stalking order against him.

I've been free of him for a little over a month now. I had nightmares for three weeks straight. I was scared all the time. I would never commit suicide, but I still wished I was dead.

My self esteem is at an all time low. I'm scared to be alone with any boy. I don't have many friends, and no close friends that I can talk to. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I try to stay hopeful that things will get better.... but it just doesn't feel like I'll be happy again.