Me too, read it all, so sorry for all you're going through. Wishing some relief, health, clarity, blessings and money to fall into your lap!!

Glad that med helped some - I haven't heard of it, but if it brings some relief that's a really good thing.

You have too much going on for one woman to bear... I'm sure you make lists, but where can you cross some things off the list to lighten your load? What could you hand to a friend to arrange? The bday and going away parties maybe? I do feel guilty I've never had a bday party for my youngest 11... I used to be so good at that with the 2 older kids. But I have to be ok and gentle with myself that I did my best. Even if my best was ****, did the best I could at the time with all the too much going on.

Can anyone take your dog for the shots or certification - not sure what's needed there? Is there any community outreach, non-profits who are looking to help families like yours? Can someone help you fill out the rent app's?

I feel like there has to be some group that helps families with children in hospital or children with illness going on - like they'd be able to help you guys out with a little money to make the move closer to the hospital...

I don't have advice or experience with the tactical hallucinations, it sounds horrible that you have to endure that. I'm so sorry but glad that med did help a bit.

I think if you meet with pdoc it's good to just say what meds you want and what you don't want. That you are the one in your body and know from first hand experience which meds helped and which didn't... like if you were on klonopin or something and it's helping right now, just take it to help you through this time. You are rightfully totally stressed out right now. All these life circumstance things you are going through are huge, and hopefully you will find relief once you've plowed through all this stuff and are on the other side of it. Patting yourself on the back for making it through these hellish months. Don't double punish yourself, please, with mean self talk or SI... think about it - I was taught it like this in mindfulness therapy - you've already had to endure the stress, fear, uncertainty, trauma of everything, so if you stay mad at yourself for where you in your perspective weren't perfect, "should've/could've" done better, etc., you are double punishing yourself. And that only drains more of your precious energy and head space during an already delicate time.

And your sister! I can relate! She used to tell me similar things, and that I'd made my bed so grow up and deal with it. Now unfortunately, she has a new bp dx of her own and small children, and a divorce. She's finally starting to understand what I went through alone all those years. I don't wish it on my enemy, but karma has a way of doing what needs doing! So just try to get her voice out of your head. You are a good mom because you love your son, and you've been toughing it out and doing your best. She just doesn't understand what you go through, and may never understand.

I agree with Lia, I believe you will prevail victorious, it is in your nature, you're a fighter, you'll make it through this. Just vent away, let it all spew out on these pages, you are smart and you will wrap your head around it all. You will find a way. Love you mucho