I just decided to break up with my BF today...we were doing ok, enjoying each others company, then I just cranked up and lost control, I know its my depression and PTSD but he still didn't understand...I spend more time trying to teach him, and he tries, he does try, but in those moments I lose it and cant seem to pull myself out he takes it personal and punishes me for it, not physical he doesn't hit me, he judges me believing I like to attack, he thinks I do it on purpose to ruin his life, says I am an abuser, I guess I see what he's saying, but I know its not so black and white, I know that when I try every day to keep my head above water, I hope, I want a sunshine day, I envision a better future not rainbows and butterflies, or a millionaire..i envision being humbled, content, worked really hard and can sit comfortably, I never give up trying, I fall down and take a couple weeks to get back up, I rev up for 24hrs then spend a week trying to rebuild myself, and my BF doesn't truly understand how much work I put into it, I research everyday, I try to eat better vege's and fruit sip on water all day everyday, I take my meds every day and set up alarms for the 4x a day I need to take them, I do yoga every day, I go to my counsellor, I've seen many psychiatrists, trialled many different medications you name it I've tried it, and I still slip up, I try not to let it beat me down and kick myself, knowing I just gotta pick up and go again, always feels like 1 step forward 3 steps back..i give up sometimes before getn back on my feet, and for my BF to run away then judge me and accuse me for being this way on purpose, for choosing to be this way just added to my already down about myself...
So I ended it.... :"(
I have to get through this now