I explored these blissful states with my therapist because they are a common part of my condition. The psychotherapist considers them a defence mechanism against the disruption of my early attachments. We have to remember that these are extremely early disruptions when the infant mind is purely emotion and cannot conceptualise things like the loss of the Mother.

He also says that the ''other side of my blissful coin'' are things like paranoia and agitation. It is with these blissful states combined at the same time often with a feeling of agitation and even depression and anxiety which led me to question the BPD diagnosis or at least just me solely having that.

Interesting how that when I was a teenager the elation would seem to last for days. Now as I am older agitation is the key along with depression of course but the bliss has still lasted for the best part of a day at times.

What also has kept me off the meds is the fact that I have uncovered a 'primal type' scream during regression therapy which signifies possibly the underlying trauma(s) triggering my condition. That is useful for me but the really important thing is since that happened and through the last 20 years of my life since my breakdown I have not managed to release fully the pain and the reason I sought diagnosis of some sorts was just the trouble I was getting in at work etc when I had complaints against me, poor time keeping, changes in productivity etc.

I believe these cycles are also a result of these early disruptions and signify a profound loss and the excitement of thinking I can return to something quite magical and blissful with associated behaviours. The psychiatrist calls it searching for a nirvana like state which sums it up very well.

Also having to tell one's story like this can be difficult. I feel there is a sense of shame in it all. Not sure why but I do but it helps talking