I've been trying to figure out what I'm actually feeling lately, and the harder I try the less I am able to put it into english. I'm currently feeling somewhere between "blah" and a 60hz electrical hum... I think I broke myself trying to push away my feelings for so many years.

The memories that have been keeping me awake have had the volume turned down since I very incoherently tried talking about them in therapy. I realized yesterday that I was actually successful in bringing it up and I feel good about that. I've never told anyone about them before, or even that they existed. I'm still waking up for no reason a few hours after falling asleep, but I can get back to sleep without getting caught up in them.