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Originally Posted by expos
Thank you to the posters of this site….
I am struggling with issues regarding my ex-wife who was diagnosed as having BPD. She was also under 3 to 5 different mood stabilizers and anti-depressants which very much complicated life for her and for us.
I asked for a divorce last summer after being emotionally and verbally abused, and withheld from intimacy for a good majority of our 3 year marriage. I gave this woman everything and rarely said “no”. When she sobbed on the bathroom floor, I would pick her up and hold her until the crying stopped. I would then be insulted in some way a few hours later.
I loved her intensely, but she insulted family members, her friends, my hobbies/passions, and anything that didn't involve praising her. She was also extremely jealous of others, and would lay on the couch all weekend if someone had a baby, bought a new house, or went on a elaborate vacation.
One day, I had just had enough and decided to it was time to end it. She had seen multiple counselors on her own while we were married to sort out her own issues, and we saw two different marriage counselors together. We honestly tried to save it. We were also both faithful to each other, no cheating occurred.
We had no children, which she desperately wanted despite the fact that we maybe had sex ten to fifteen times during our entire three year marriage. It was this distorted way of thinking that I really struggled with.
Shaking an ex who has BPD is incredibly difficult to do. She, like many others was BPD was very beautiful, intelligent, and sunk her claws into me so early on with admiration of me that it was impossible to leave her. Even to this day, I struggle with our separation and will go into relapses of wanting to desperately to be with her again, remembering those beautiful first two years before we actually got married. She has sunk into my very soul like nobody ever has. When a woman is beautiful, intelligent, and the sexual chemistry was there...it was an absolutely devastating combination for which a man finds nearly impossible to escape. It was hard to look at the big picture - but somehow I did.
I have remained strong and have had very little contact with her, but when I recently tried to get some closure from her (very big mistake) she used it as an opportunity to hurt me. Since I am no longer her husband, I'm not even classified as a person with feeling, therefore I am seen as completely useless to her, even though I tried to be cordial and nice to her and truly work things out.
Emails with basic questions about past financial documents are never answered, thus proving her complete phase out plan of me – the guy who would have taken a bullet for her.
A mere three months after our marriage was over, she has started seeing someone else (something she clearly did to rub in my face and inflict emotion pain when we talked face to face a week ago). She is clearly beginning a new destructive pattern. She has not allowed herself to heal, which was apparent in our last meeting. I truly hope this guy doesn't have to suffer as much as I did.
The more I read about this disorder, the more it really fascinates me and educates me. I have read that people with BPD will sometimes come back into your life...I have heard this happens quite often when they are feeling defeated, rejected, and they realize how good you were to them.
I am worried about this happening again. Do you think it will?
I hope I am not coming off slanderous to those who suffer with BPD, but this was my experience being married to someone who suffered with it. I'm making some progress moving on.
Thoughts? Please share.
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This sounds nearly identical to my situation. I dated a girl with BPD for a year, got engaged and then a year later got married. It seemed that after the marriage everything completely to hell! Basically the focus was not on her anymore and she was now completely miserable. She would say things like, "this marriage was never supposed to happen", "This isn't the way my life is supposed to be". After three months she would sleep in the guest bedroom nearly half the time. I honestly thought that she just has really bad PMS but it was something more. Everything that I did was wrong, I didnt make enough money, I wasnt home enough, our house was too big, I didnt mow the lawn correctly, we didnt have enough friends, our house was not fully furnished, we didnt go on vacations enough. She hated everything I did, and any hobbies that I enjoyed. She would take weekend trips with her girlfriends because she was sick of being around me, or she needed a break from me. She ended up hating my parents, my mom, my dog, and even my 4 year old son. She never made me dinner, rarely cleaned the house. The entire time it was always about her. I would continually hear how she was sad all the time, she said she married me hoping that I would change. She claimed I wasn't man enough to take care of her, she didnt want to work, she wanted me to pay for everything. I have a really good career, but it was never enough. She hated the cars we drove, so we got a new car, and after a few months that wasn't good enough. Anytime there was a problem she would run home to her mom and dads house. she would continually tell me that I needed to leave, I needed to move out. And then when i did she claimed that she was only trying to get me to fight harder for her. basically, she has the mentality of "I hate you, don't leave me." I loved being married to her, and I loved being married. But after about 10 months I decided to leave during a weekend she went out of town with friends. We sort of tried to make things work a couple of months later, basically we had sex a few times and that was it. Nothing ever got solved. She stated that we could only move forward if we fixed the problems from the past. When those problems get fixed then we could start seeing each other again. Total ridiculous mentality. I cut off all contact with her, but she would always find a reason to contact me. For example, she text me asking if I had the TV remote control, and this was 7 months later. She would text asking about stupid stuff like pillows, sheets, etc. etc. When I didnt respond, a month or two later she posted all over facebook her new relationship status with a new boyfriend, pictures galore etc. etc. I never looked at them, only heard about it from friends. It does bother me a little, but in the back of my mind I know that it will never ever work between us again, she never got over our separation/divorce, she has never gotten any help for her BPD condition, and she is only going to dump her emotional baggage on the idiot that comes along. A small part of me wants her back, but she has done so much damage to the marriage and our relationship that it would never work. She needs serious counseling, and or medication. It's kind of interesting, her mom had asked me on numerous occasions if I wanted to put up with this for the rest of my life. I received a text from her mom a couple of months ago, and she said if I ever wanted to be happy again I should move on and forget about her daughter. Now I'm dating, working, going to the gym, focusing on upcoming things, and slowly forgetting about my crazy ex wife with BPD. At times I'm still in shock that I never saw any indication of this behavior while we were dating. I would love to be back together with the girl I fell in love when we first started dating. That girl is gone, she is never coming back, and I'm moving on.... Thank you for reading, sorry for the choppy inconsistent sentences.