Everything is stretching out so gray. I've had moments of hypo and moments of normalcy but since i got out of the hospital i've had solid melancholia, dipping into severe depression for a few days and then back up to melancholia. I fear that this is it for me. maybe mood stabilization means stabilization in a bad mood. I guess it's better than the swinging pendulum but I feel so useless, so dead.

I'm tempted to ditch meds so at least I can feel some happiness again. who cares if it zooms into elation? What's the problem with that? except Ido remember the terror I felt out in space, seeing the world but unable to join. Space is only fun until you realize you're alone and no one else wants to join you. in fact they want to drag you down, hold on to your feet while you kick and scream to get away. So I don't suppose I'll ditch meds. I don't suppose I want to be another beautiful disaster.

I just want to be ok. Why is that so much to ask? I hate laying on the couch and wanting to die, I hate that every time I see a knife or blade my first thought is to use it against myself. I want to be so much more than this disease allows me.

i must choose to fight back. I'm tired, but I'm not so tired that I can't say NO. I won't let you take me. I won't let you suck my life away.

How do I do that/?

(next pdoc appt july 1st - she upped my celexa, we'll see if it works without sending me into a mixed state like last time)