Sounds like your meds aren't either the right dosage or the right ones or maybe they haven't taken full effect if you haven't been on them that long. I so know that place of being between living and dying. Not really wanting either for rambling obscure nonsensical reasons. If you are thinking of suicide, have you made a plan yet? Promise me you'll go back to the hospital if you keep having suicidal thoughts and staring at knives IS starting to become planning.
Maybe just accept that right now you don't feel so good but that will change. It always does. Acceptance doesn't mean you have to like it. It just is this way now. Just be with it and let it run it's course instead of fighting it. If that doesn't work please go to the hospital where you will stabilized and a new treatment worked out