I didn't scream or cry in the car after my session. I had to hear some hard truths, though, as well as some words that brought me relief.

My T is NOT kicking me out in December. She still believes she can help me, and she is not giving up on me. However, she thinks setting an ending point is a good idea because of the way I am (not her words but I don't remember). The hard part is when I asked what is the least I can pay her starting in March, and she said $100. I said I was hoping that she could let me pay a lot less, so she told me how it's her job, and she has to pay her bills, etc. I held my tongue and did NOT say "If you weren't getting divorced it would be different" though I was thinking that.

So, maybe I can see her once a month starting in March. That's kind of depressing but I don't have a choice. I jokingly said "maybe one of us will win the lottery by then!" She also said it depends; maybe something will change, so I shouldn't spend my time thinking about the $100. I told her I was, already.

I told her that my H said it's my attitude that counts more than whether I see her or not. I can work on my marriage and still see her, if my mind and heart are in the right place. She agreed.

I asked her if she would keep my collage on the wall after I quit and she said that she likes it there, and smiled. That's a good enough answer for me.

I told her about the screaming and she understands the terror. She said that whatever I missed is something that happened and it doesn't matter exactly what it was. She wants me to trust her that she can help me using her methods, when I said I want to work on how not to feel like I'm terrorized or being killed when I think about separating from her. She asked me what physical sensations I felt then, and how I feel in the room now.

My T is always interested in how I feel NOW. She was also interested in my telling her how I felt by the lake one day last week. I felt light, happy, and there was an absence of pain or allergies, or whatever always bothers me. There were cumulus clouds in the sky and it was beautiful! She wanted to me use those feelings when I don't feel so good in my day to day life.

When she asked why I seem to fight her about the SE, I said that she's changed from IFS to EMDR, to SE. She told me to forget about all the initials!! It all works together, if I just trust that she knows how to help me. That made me feel good, that she knows what she's doing with me.

She wants me to refrain from emailing her again. I'm not too happy about that. She says it's for my own good, that she's trying to help me. She said that relationships change, people leave or die, especially as I'm getting older (so is she but she's younger than I am) and the only person we always have is ourselves.

She was glad to hear I'm planning day trips as well as getting the passports. She told me to go out and "LIVE LIFE", and to not spend so much time on this forum. (that last part is too hard for me right now)

I went to the lake after my session and walked around. It was a beautiful day and I felt pretty good.