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Jun 18, 2013, 10:24 PM
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Trigger warning for discussion of physical abuse.
My head still hurts from therapy and I'm embarrassed about this weird dissociating thing I am STILL doing sometimes in therapy. We started off talking about my email to him last week. He told me how productive he thought it was for me to email him, because he knew me well enough to know that if I waited until the session, I either would not tell him because I thought it wasn't important, or I would forget, or I would tell him but without the accompanying emotion. So he told me that it was a good and therapeutically appropriate use of email and that I did not have to be so vigilante about guarding his boundaries for him. 
Anyway, we were talking about the email which involved my dog, a cat and my parents' hoarder style basement. [Literally. Wall to wall STUFF.] We were talking about the basement and me hiding down there and then the dilemma about whether to keep hiding when they were looking for me, or just go out and get the beating over with, because the longer I waited, the worse it was going to be. I was talking fairly calmly, I thought, about the difficulty of giving up a hiding place and going out to get beaten even when I knew that it was necessary and would prevent a worse one later, and then I got lost in my head and really struggling to get back.
At one point he asked me how old I was. I was kind of irritated and like, how many ****ing times do I have to tell you this, Asshole? Then he said he was trying to help me ground in the present and realize that I am safe and in his office, etc. oh. yeah. well. that's okay then, I guess.
Then it happened again a second time when he was wanting to discuss the dissociation thing. The room started sliding off to the side and I was losing control and I ended up whispering, "can we stop please." ugh. so embarrassing. I hate this. AND he wants to talk more about it sometime.  I want him to help me hide it and look normal. He wants to pull it out into the daylight and ****ing TALK about it.
Not sure what my point is here. I don't think I have one. In the past, posting on here has been helpful, if for no other purpose than to know that others have experienced something similar. So. Anyone want to share dissociation stories? Does this get getter? It's been THREE YEARS.
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