I’m losing it. Completely and totally losing it. And I am so scared. It’s getting worse everyday. I call the stupid number I’m supposed to call and I talk to someone for 30 minutes and I calm down some, and then within 15 minutes of hanging up I am getting all anxious again. They don’t tell me what I can do. They just sit there and say “uh huh, yes, I see how that would be frustrating, are you remembering to breathe?” It doesn’t help.

Today I finally went to see a professional. I hated it. It made me stick to my stomach. I hate the stigma. I hate that I saw a half dozen people I knew as I walked in and now they all know and will hate me and won’t want their kids to be friends with my kids. But **** I did it and I went in and now I have to wait 12-16 weeks because there is a back log and I can not afford private care. I can not wait that long. I need help now. I can go and see a doc and get medicated up but that won’t solve anything. I am so terrified of what will be left by the time I can finally see anyone. I used to be upset and angry and lash out, which the guy today says is all signs of major depression, but lately the anxiety is out of control too. He didn’t tell me what to do about that! Just told me it was part of depression.

I do all these things and I can’t stop myself. Like my control is gone, ruled by emotion, I get so panicked and consumed like right now that I can think things through but I can’t execute. And it scares me, it scares me so bad because what if I never get better? Its getting worse and worse and worse and how am I supposed to make it better with no one helping me? and I cry and I cry and my heart is constantly racing so bad, that my head is constantly pounding, and that can’t be good and I can’t stop it. I can’t enjoy anything anymore. I can’t see what is enjoyable. Or if I do, I think I don’t deserve it. I don’t even know where to start on turning my head around, and I need to or I will drown. I don’t go 5 minutes without these thoughts running through my head and alternately wanting to cry, or lash out, or start a fight, or beat myself up. People in my life have just left. Others are leaving. I can’t get them back if I don’t fix myself. I have to fix myself before it is too late and I’m all alone. I’m already all alone because I can’t talk to them anymore or they will leave so I spend my days sitting by myself, desperately wanting to reach out, knowing that even one kind word might help ground me, but if I do it I will likely lose those people forever. Now part of that is I can’t seem to reach out normally, right now its all these panicked messages and thoughts running rampant and lashing out and I can’t stop.

I don’t know what to do. I need something to do. I need a direction to go in, something to do, something to try. I need someone to tell me something that works. To explain to me how to do these seemingly easy things. I need someone to tell me how to be normal, because I am so, so sick of being like this. I hate myself for being like this, the self loathing, the embarrassment, the shame, the feelings of worthlessness I can’t stand to be around myself like this, yet a part of me still thinks my normal self is in here, I just can’t find her! How do I get back? How do I do this??? Because right now my mind is racing a hundred miles a second and I can’t slow it down, I don’t know how to slow it down and what if this is all there is for me? what if it never gets better? I NEED IT TO GET BETTER, but how do I do that??