I told Mr T I wanted to work on abandonment. He thought it must stem from my childhood, and of course he is right. But I’d rather work on Madame T than on my mother, because that’s a relationship that might be saved. My mother is dead, so there is no way to find out what she thought and felt. Madame T may cooperate if we can find the right questions. And my feelings are fresher and more intense. (I expect to be gently turned back towards my mother as the work progresses. )

We compared my mother to Madame T. Mum’s crimes were crimes of commission: bringing her boyfriend home, killing my dog, cutting down my trees. Madame T’s crimes were mostly of omission: things I felt she should have done but didn’t. And perhaps that comes closer to the definition of abandonment. Yet my mother probably abandoned me too. No doubt we’ll be looking for examples of that.

We talked about resistance. “Are you a stone wall?” “It’s worse than that,” I said, “I run an elastic defence, constantly changing my ground and yet never giving way.”

Mr T is going to deviate from talk therapy for a bit. We’re going to do work with small figures and empty chairs. Today he talked me through a mindful relaxation exercise. I did that without any trouble at all.

PS:
Specifically maternal abandonment. I don't get this with men.

PPS:
I'll make a list of my mother's abandonments.