TSH...
My heart completely gors out to you. I can't write much now b/c am just reading this from my cell phone, but I am feeling your pain... and you DH's. Your post reminds me so much of both of my marriages; I see myself in your indecision and feelings of being trapped, blamed, and manipulated; my DH in your DH's conduct and lack of internal understanding; my ex-husband in your guilt and justification; myself in your DH's pain at the divorce.

I wish there was something I caould do to help. I do think that given what you've written lately, that if you don't at least temporarily separate, you wil likely explode due to the stress of feelings of being manipulated and projected upon.

I hate the concept of divorce and I don't wish that pain on anyone, but you've done all you can and I don't see how this situation can get better if you cave into the guilt and stay. I hope that if you separate, that lots of soul-searching on both of your parts leads to a desire to make it work out, but I don't think it should be a forced result on principle.

I wish you the best. My thoughts are with you, your DH, and your kids