I know a big chunk of it is that we are addressing things that I have never discussed before. Not with anyone. I have a friend that I often discuss things with, but I have concerns about triggering her / contaminating her with some of this, and this is literally the first time ever that I have written or talked about these situations. I am not even sure why these particular things are so much worse than other stuff I've discussed; I am sure they are not. For whatever reason, they are just deeply buried, secret things. I haven't discussed the hiding much at all, and never talked about hiding in the basement, for instance. Even just writing about it makes my forehead start to go numb and the room is tilting a little. I have no idea why this is so difficult for me.