Your post was so surprising to me because where you're at is exactly where I'm at in my life now. I am also BP (1) and had some long-term co-dependent relationships that were verbally abusive and physically abusive, passive-agressive, battering abusive syndrome, rage, controlling, contradiction of reality, and just plain ole crazy-making behavior (the latter being definitely which I have read in BP books the type of person we cannot be with due to our need of stability. I must admit I was with my ex-husband and he did indeed keep me stable for 17 years. The day I left him he said that I would never make it out here because he had stabalized me. He was right. For 11 years I've been a mess and began self-medicating (now only beer) and have had many depressions. However, I used to feel like you did; there was no way I would ever have a one-night-stand. Now I realize that one(at least) of the above mentioned negatives will pop up. I'm finally just having fun with different men (of course there has to be a little dopamine high) and for the first time in my life I'm OK with it. Sure, we still dream of our idealistic relationship but it doesn't exist without a lot of issues being discussed (sometimes they won't even), he said/she said, they don't stop looking at other women and turn their backs on us after sex. Sorry for the rambling right now; I'm so tired and hurt because right now my ex-husband is back East with his wife and my three kids for Thanksgiving. Maureen