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ThePainNeverDies · Jun 19, 2013, 02:26 PM

I miss my Mum...

We'd only really known each other for 5 years and had just begun to get close in the last year... Saturday is my birthday, Mum died just 2 days ago at 2pm whilst I was about to board the train in a rush to be by her side for her final moments.

I have another thread in the children of alcoholics section, so I won't write much here. http://forums.psychcentral.com/adult...nal-straw.html

I just wanted to vent some of my pain and anguish. I miss her so much already. I feel completely and utterly empty, my heart feels nothing but pain and love and anger and sadness. It's been completely ripped apart.

I saw the doctor today about getting some therapy in place. She said "You're doing so well; you've got out of bed, showered, dressed, and you're out and about!" I gave her a look of disdain, feeling like a five year old. Really??? That's doing well, is it? I cam back with "Mum wouldn't want me in bed wallowing in sadness because of her death. She would want me to continue to achieve and make her proud."

I don't feel like I'm doing very well, I feel inside like I am just mush. I can't think, talk or do anything properly. I can't even sleep. Somehow I have managed to create meals that I can eat but still the weight is dropping off me, according to friends...

So she offered up Cruise, a counselling company for grief and loss. Cool, but leaving the ball in my court will mean that I will get too depressed to do anything about it or I will make myself so busy that I won't have time, or I will simply forget. I have forgotten until now..

I am so empty and so sad right now. It's my birthday in 3 days and all I can think is this is the first time in 6 years that I won't get a birthday card from my Mum Ergh the pain is just excruciating. How could she be improving last Sunday, only to be gone 8 days later?

I'd stupidly taken hope from seeing her improve and even more stupidly thought that she would continue to improve.

I wish I'd been more prepared, I wish I could have done something, I wish, I wish, I wish I had been there